We betray our inmost thoughts, our truest beliefs sometimes to no one but ourselves, and we do so in the “trailers” those tiny tangents of thought trailing the Big thought(s).
I awoke in the night editing a thought from a few days ago. I know, we all have things we wish we had said better, responded funnier, been more clever.
This was just a thought I thought while I walked our back fence, actually where a back fence will go when I finally put one in. I thought about Nana’s funeral, and all the attention was focused on her. She was in every slide in the slide show. John Bugg and I talked about her first. Doug and Karin’s reflection were tender and funny, but focused on Barbara K. Johnson unerringly. The music was her music. The packed out place was filled with people who were all there because she touched our lives. The memory cards, every flower, every memorial was all because of her, and I laughed to think, “She would have been so embarrassed!”
“Would have been” because we were all feeling her absence. She would have been mortified at people weeping because she was not there. She would have cringed at every picture, and at her being the center of every story — she took most of the pictures and had to be dragged into any of them. She told every story about those she cherished or worried over, most often the same thing.
I awoke in the night to edit, “Would have been” to “was”. As believers in the resurrection of Christ, she had been promoted from worrier and intercessor to the cheering section in Heaven. (The twelfth chapter of the Letter to the Hebrews in the Bible opens with that verse). Since I believe that, I should have laughed because she WAS EMBARRASSED, from her new seat in the cheering section.
And I laughed all over again in bed in the middle of the night. Then I awoke to blog this, and my wife, Jill, Nana’s daughter awoke with an ache, missing her mom, and had received the DVD of her memorial service, and was playing the celebration of her passing as I had begun blogging.
Funny isn’t it? How married people have the same thoughts without talking. It has been four months, and she IS delighted to see us living out the truest things we know, while failing them, but failing forward.
Is, not was, or would have been. She is embarrassed that this blog celebrates her life.